A few weeks ago my daughter Heather was visiting from Los Angeles for the weekend. When she’s in town, we always make sure we get a workout in before she leaves. We had just left the gym and were returning home when we saw an unfamiliar car parked in my driveway and a stranger standing on the front porch. We pulled up to the driveway and Heather asked the man, “Can I help you Sir?” The stranger looked very confused and replied, “I’m looking for Joy, does Joy live here? I thought this was her house, she was supposed to be here.” Thinking he was lost, I asked him what street Joy lived on and what her last name was. He looked at me in disbelief and said, “I don’t know, she’s supposed to be here.”
Okay, so the guy doesn’t know her last name and doesn’t have an address or street name – we didn’t have a crystal ball so obviously we couldn’t help him. He left shaking his head, looking nervously around, and perplexed. Since he was an older gentleman, I thought he might have memory issues and I felt sorry for him.
About 8:30 the following night, my doorbell rings and I go to answer it. You may have guessed it – standing there was another stranger, a male with his car parked in the driveway, and yup he was also looking for Joy. Now I’m the one confused. Why have two absolute strangers parked in my driveway like they’ve been here before, asked for Joy two days in a row and looked confused and surprised that she wasn’t here. When I asked Stranger #2 what street Joy lived on and what her last name was, his response mimicked his predecessor, “I don’t know, she’s supposed to be here.” Stranger #2 was also very nervous and looking around like a school boy about to get caught with his hands in the cookie jar. This guy was not as old as Stranger #1 and didn’t appear to have memory problems – I didn’t feel sorry for him. Now I was annoyed.
My son Rock was home and both of us thought it was pretty odd that after all the years of living at our house we have two confused, nervous, disappointed middle aged men looking for Joy; no one had ever mistaken our house for Joy’s before.
Then I thought to myself, how many of us are in the same state as those two middle aged men – confused, disappointed, and discouraged because joy always seems to elude us? I mean really, isn’t it easier to find people who complain, whine, and lament about their “difficult” lives than it is to find someone who is content and happy? Simple test. How often do you hear the following responses to the question, “How’s it going?”
- Hanging in there!
- Could be better!
- Is it Friday yet?
- Surviving
- Horrible, can you believe the barista got my drink wrong?
Obviously I’m not talking about those who are experiencing pain and need to vent or express their feelings. I’m talking about a general negative dark cloud that follows some people around like a shadow. Whining, moaning and complaining is their default; it’s a habit that gets rewarded somehow so the behavior continues. These people leak energy and render themselves powerless. So that leads us to the question, “What is joy anyway?” It might be easier to define what joy is not. Joy is not pleasure which is connected to our physical state nor is it happiness which is connected to our feelings and determined by happenstance. No, joy runs much deeper than that. Joy is found in the deepest part of our core – our heart, soul and spirit. Joy is experiencing great pleasure and delight – oftentimes despite our circumstances.
So how do we find joy? According to Positive Psychology research, we experience positive experiences daily; however, we don’t always recognize or appreciate them. Why? Basically two reasons: number one, we’ve learned to focus on the negative. Psychologists call this the negativity bias. Reason number two is that we are creatures of habit – we get used to the short bursts of happiness and they don’t have the same effect on us as the negative ones. So how can we make a paradigm shift and start experiencing more joy in our lives? Let’s look at 5 simple things you can do on a daily basis to start feeling more positive and looking more attractive to others.
Five Steps to Finding Joy:
- Be intentional about focusing on the positive. Ask yourself on a daily basis, “What am I grateful for today?” “What is going right in my life?”
- Start a gratitude journal. Be creative – write, draw, or cut out pictures of things you are thankful for. When bumps in the road come, and I guarantee you they will, you will have a visual to remind you of all the positive things you have going for you.
- Smile. Research shows that smiling signals the reward system in the brain to increase the production of endorphins which in turn triggers a positive feeling in the body.
- Watch for patterns of complaining in your everyday language. If you start to recognize that you are negative and complain more often than not, pay attention to the keys that trigger this chronic complaining. This may be the most challenging of the 5 steps to do, but addressing the keys is vital to reversing the negative behavior.
- Lastly, share your joy. According to psychologist Emma Seppälä Ph.D., founder of Fulfillment Daily, sharing joy increases joy. Her findings state that telling people about happiness has far greater benefits than just remembering it or writing it down. According to Seppälä, your well-being is not a selfish endeavor; it also influences those around you.
Although Stranger #1 and Stranger #2 never found Joy, that I know of anyway, you on the other hand have no excuse. You have five easy steps to help you find joy and you don’t even have to park your car in my driveway, knock on my door, or be confused and discouraged. To the contrary, not only will you will stop leaking valuable energy, you will look much more attractive and confident.
Rita helps her clients:
• Embrace their true potential
• Change their limiting beliefs/thoughts
• Create Purpose
• Live Empowered, Confident, and Successful Lives
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