“Regulation isn’t the finish line. It’s the starting position.” Rita Castillo-Salese
Jaw People, Gut People, and Chest People
Last week I asked you where you feel it in your body when you take something personally, and your replies confirmed what I’ve seen for years. There are:
- Jaw people who clench and go quiet.
- Gut people whose stomach drops before their brain even registers what happened.
- Chest people who feel it right behind the sternum.
But the most common reply wasn’t about where it lands. It was a question: “Okay, Rita, I did the Power Pause. I felt the sensation. I checked my story. So… now what do I actually say once I’ve processed it?”
Hidden Assumptions
Fair question. But it contains a hidden assumption we need to correct first: that taking something personally always starts with an attack. It usually doesn’t.
Most of the time, nobody said anything cruel at all.
- The email was just short.
- The text went unanswered for a day.
- The room stayed quiet after you shared your idea.
- The meeting ended without anyone commenting on your contribution.
Nothing obviously hostile happened on the outside. But on the inside, your nervous system filled in the blanks. The voice you actually took personally was your own brain whispering, “I’m not good enough. They don’t like me. I’ll never get it right.”
Here’s the good news: the same somatic keys work for both. A grounded body talks back to a critical inner voice the same way it talks to a colleague or loved one when you’re not sure what they meant. And “don’t take it personally” was never supposed to mean “swallow it and smile,” not when the discomfort comes from your own story, and not when a real repair is needed.
Regulated Is Not the Same as Silent
Let’s name the trap waiting on the other side of Part 1. You learn to pause, and then the pause becomes a hiding place. When a slight is real, and sometimes it is, you breathe through the moment, you don’t react, you congratulate yourself on your nervous system mastery… and you never address it. If all you ever do is pause, people learn that poking you costs them nothing. That’s not regulation, that’s suppression in yoga pants.
The internal version of the trap is sneakier. You pause, the spike passes, and you call it a win, but you never actually answer the story. “I’m not good enough” gets to keep its claim on you because you never challenge it. Know this. An unanswered story doesn’t dissolve. It compounds, and it will be back next week with interest; compounded interest at that.
Why These Conversations Fail Before You Open Your Mouth
- Your Body Speaks First, and Everyone Hears It
When the conversation is with another person, your body delivers its opening statement before a single word leaves your mouth. Your posture, your breath rate, the tension in your face and tone; the other person’s nervous system reads all of it in a nano-second, through a process researchers call neuroception.
If you walk in braced for battle, their threat response fires before you finish your first sentence. Now you have two hijacked nervous systems negotiating, which is to say, none. Envision inner critics battling it out for a prize no one wins.
- Rehearsed Anger Isn’t Readiness
Most of us prepare for a cringe-moment conversation by rehearsing the argument in the shower, winning it brilliantly against an opponent who isn’t there. That mental courtroom feels productive, but it’s actually turbo-charging your system. By the time you speak, you’re delivering a closing argument to someone who never heard the trial. You haven’t prepared for the conversation. You’ve pre-escalated it.
3 Somatic Keys to Speaking Up Without Blowing Up
- Ground Before You Engage
Before the conversation, not during it, give your body a starting position. Feet flat on the floor. Feel the chair or the ground actually holding your weight. Lengthen your spine without puffing your chest. The goal is for you to be rooted, not inflated. Then take one slow exhale that’s longer than your inhale; the long exhale signals safety to your nervous system.
This only takes ten seconds, yet it changes the entire conversation because you’re no longer speaking to discharge tension. You’re speaking from stability. Anchored bodies say truer things.
- Lead With the Observation, Not the Verdict
Hijacked brains speak in verdicts: “You disrespected me.” “You always do this.” Verdicts put the other person on trial, and people on trial defend; they don’t listen. A regulated brain can do something smarter: describe what happened and what it looked like. “When the project was reassigned without a conversation, I was caught off guard, and I want to understand what happened.”
Notice what that sentence does NOT do. It doesn’t accuse, it doesn’t mind-read, and it doesn’t shrink. It states the event, owns the impact, and opens a door. You can be unmistakably direct without a single character attack. That’s not softness. That’s skilled marksmanship.
Now turn the same skill inward, because your inner critic also speaks in verdicts: “I’m not good enough. They don’t like me. I’ll never get it right.” Don’t argue with the verdict; replace it with the observation. Not “I’m not good enough,” but “I stumbled on two slides, and I’m disappointed.” Not “they don’t like me,” but “she hasn’t replied since Tuesday, and I’m telling myself a story about why.” Verdicts are dead ends. Observations are workable. You can do something with a fact; you can only suffer under a sentence.
Anyone can vent.
Anyone can swallow it.
Few can stand grounded and say the true thing cleanly to another person, or to the voice in their own head.
The difference changes everything.
In Optimism,
Rita
Somatic Mindset Life Coach • Speaker • Group Facilitator
Rita Castillo-Salese is a Somatic Mindset Coach, Speaker, and Group Facilitator with nearly a decade of experience working with purpose-driven entrepreneurs. Rita’s work sits at the intersection of neuroscience, somatic intelligence, faith, and mindset, helping highly driven individuals break free from patterns that got them here yet quietly keep them stuck. She doesn’t just inspire clients to think differently; she helps them lead with their health and wholeness first.
To work with Rita: ritahudgens@gmail.com